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| I’ve always known that I have a old soul. Growing up with a father who’s the age of everyone else’s grandfather does that to you. My dad turned 70 this year. 70. He surpassed his dad’s lifespan of 55 years. I thank the Lord every time I’m reminded of the fact of how healthy my father is. I don’t ever want to take that for granted, the thought of losing my father before he believes in Christ scares the heck out of me. I mean my father is old school Chinese with a little bit of american flavor to him. I say old school as in he has never in his life told me he loves me or apologizes when he is wrong but i know deep down inside he loves me.
I don’t like to think about it but i’m forced to because i know that any day God can take my parents away. That’s why I never moved out of the house or chose a far away school for college. I don’t ever want to be so far away that if something happened, I would not make it home to take care of them. Although people might think that I’m ”That Guy” that lives in his parent’s basement, I really don’t care because I know most people my age don’t even have a chance to sit down and eat with his/her family like I can. And it’s something that I hold tightly to every single day. Growing up in a old fashioned home really does have its benefits. I don’t think I could’ve developed a sense of respect for elders the way I do now if my mother neglected to teach me that. I would’ve never learnt how to love my child if my father wasn’t so rough with me ( I’ve written a list of things he’s done to me, that i’ve promise i would never do to my child when he/she grows up). I would never questioned my purpose and the reason for life and found Jesus Christ, if I had not encountered the thoughts of death in my family every single time i celebrate one of their birthdays. Morbid? No. This is part of my reality. While other people can go out and party all weekend long and not come home to their parents, I’m trying to come home even if annoyed, just to be in their presence. It’s scary to see them grow weaker, as their memory slowly decreases and they start forgetting little things, not occasionally, maybe once in a blue moon. But still, I can remember the days where my father actually instilled fear into my heart with his power and now I’ve surpassed him in size, strength and height. everyday my parents are one day closer to death. As am I. As it is for everyone. This is my reality. I shall cherish every moment of it. | | |
| Never forget that life is a gift, my friend.
You are privileged to live in the united states, no matter how many problems it seems like we have. Do you realize that if you make 4000 a month you are making 100 times more than the average person in the world? If 100 people represented the population of the world, 53 of those people would live on less than $2 a day. I cant even believe how people can complain about being broke in this nation. where we have giant supermarkets, mega malls and resturants around every street corner in every major city . our projects and ghettos is considered high class dwelling places for some people in other parts of the world. We are rich. Flippantly rich.
Did you know today is a perfect day? That everything had to work perfectly in order for you to live? do you know how many people you had to trust in order to get to work today. how many other drivers you were driving along side of, trusting that they wouldn't be drunk or careless, move an inch closer and collide into you? Your organs had to work perfectly. Imagine one shutting down, a liver, a kidney, a lung, your heart, your nervous system. then its lights out, game over. But yet your optical senses are functional enough for you to read this entry. be grateful for life. Find your purpose.
Did you know that the Sun and the Earth had to be in perfect distance from each other in order for us to survive. one inch closer to the sun and we burn up. One inch further and we freeze to death. and its tilted in just a way that we can experience all four seasons?
Do we take for granted the things we have in our life? Like the bank account that has our life savings? the 401k that we hold so tightly to? The stocks and bonds that we toss around and play with? and yet all that money can dissapear in one minute. One minute. Our whole entire stock market can crash in one minute. A catastrophic event can happen to one major nation in the world and then bam. All the paper bills we call money would not have monetary value. Everything in those banks accounts gone. Dead broke.
or how about the family and friends we keep? do we take them for granted? have we fought with someone, hurt someone with our words. thinking that its just routine and you've grown used to yelling at each other and saying hateful, hurtful things. Have we willingly decided, once or twice, to not to spend time with our family members? maybe we're too busy to visit mom and dad for the weekend, maybe tonight is the night you go out to the bar rather than visit grandma or grandpa at the nursing home? and then the next day. gone. should've, would've, could've, but didnt. like a vapor in the wind, here one second, gone the next.
it takes one event. one tragedy. one minute. to burst through that bubble you call a comfortable life. one rainstorm. one tidal wave. one wrong letter. one wrong mistake. to destroy everything we have worked so hard for. one.
and yet it takes one entry to change your perspective in life, to change the way we live our lives. and i hope i've done that for you today. | | |
| Each springs marks the beginning of new things. new faces. new friends. new tastes. new styles.
Alongside beginnings, death also shows its face during this season. Dead relationships, dead burdens, dead problems, dead music, dead spaces. dead places.
Today was a death day for me. But tomorrow i shall dine in the sweet fragrance of a new beginning. Tonight we shall waltz in the music of this "funeral of memories". Tonight the symphony plays a tragic song, a lovely ballad for unspoken words, a crescendo of passionate emotions that clashes roughly into the dark, disappearing into a thin vapor. I drink you in the deep, the words fall off my tongue like honey on my lips, the sweet nothings i whisper are spoken in vain.
Tonight we dine in darkness, no candlelight, no beauty. I breathe in, soak in the ugliness of the situation as the relentless gnashing realm of reality crashes through the room of hope. The glass shatters everywhere as all the dreams fall into pieces. No last resort. no place to run. No fire escape. Welcome all to the point of no return. I turn towards the broken window, the walls crumbled piece by piece into the ravishing waves that are crashing underneath my feet. I close my eyes as i walk off this ledge, walk out of this chapter, close this book. And Sleep.
Tomorrow, I shall dine in the sweet fragrance of a new beginning.
But tonight we shall mourn of the death of my heart.
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| At crossroads in my life...
One decision will cripple me intellectually and emotionally, but support me financially.
The other will drive everyone I know away, and will mostly like cause friends and family to question my sanity after said decision.
Semi-security in a turbulent society vs. True Passion....
Decisions decisions...
I wish I had more time to blog.
But everytime I try to, I'm half-dead.
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| Even in a room full of people, laughing and soaking in the times of good jokes and memories, i still feel so out of place.
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